Sat, Mar 28, 2020
Read in 3 minutes
Seattle Hub, Washington, USA Originally from California, USA
I’m sitting on the couch, snuggling with the two family dogs, and listening to my dad on the phone trying to keep his company afloat. I hear things like “… once in a 100 year event.”, “… we need to tell them everything is alright.”, and “… I told them NOT to take us off their vendor list.” It’s distressing to hear my dad talk like this. He started his own company back in 2000, and throughout my entire childhood, he has poured his heart and soul into it. Not once did I feel neglected, but I knew that this company is basically his third kid.
That’s why I’m back in the Bay Area with my mother, father, and sister. California now has a shelter-in-place order, which has crippled businesses just like my dad’s. Business operations have been stopped for a minimum of 3 weeks and my dad is pacing around the house trying to figure out what to do with himself. I think things will be ok though. My sister drove down to the Bay Area with me and is planning on spending the entirety of shelter-in-place with my folks. They’re noticeably happier than they were a week ago, and I’m hoping her presence will keep them both afloat for the coming months. I plan on heading back to Seattle tomorrow because just like my dad, I feel very much in limbo during this crisis.
You remember the “limbo” from Inception? That movie always stuck with me. Where people could enter each other’s dreams and create new worlds. But the characters could get caught in unconstructed dream space (limbo) and lose their grip on reality. That’s pretty dark stuff isn’t it? But it’s super relevant to what my dad and I are feeling (as well as so many others). We’ve spent all these years creating these realities that have ultimately turned into our identities. My dad has defined himself by the work he has done for the last 20 years. He IS a successful business owner. So when COVID-19 came in and started rocking the finances and operations of his business, my dad felt the same hit to himself. What would he be without his business?
My dad’s not the type to talk about these things with me, so this is all based on conjecture. But I’ve been going through something similar, even before COVID-19 hit. For a while, my identities have revolved around environmentalism, athleticism, and civic engagement. Save the birds, run all the mountains, and use my privilege to help those without it. But since January, I’ve struggled to find sustainable clients for our company, suffered a running injury, and reduced the scope of my volunteering efforts. My therapist told me that the legs of my table had been swept away and I felt like I was falling. With a shelter-in-place order in Washington now, what am I going to do? Do I hold onto those identities and keep falling? Or is there a way to adapt and create a new identity to pull me out of this nosedive?
My mom just came by and asked me to stay another week at least. They both really want me here. But I told her I need to leave tomorrow. Not because there’s anything waiting for me back in Seattle, but because this limbo is weighing on me and I need to learn more about it. Who am I after COVID-19 has taken so much of my “identity” away?
But am I being selfish? Should I be with my parents to help them through this? What do I do? Nothing really makes sense. It’s all limbo.