Thu, Apr 9, 2020
Read in 4 minutes
Philadephia Hub, Pennsylvania, USA Originally from Harrisburg, PA
The first two weeks of quarantine, I was alone in my apartment. Living in a large city, there were already a large amount of confirmed cases. I was not too worried about myself - the data showed few healthy, young people were fatally affected by this virus and I was doing everything by the book to minimize contact with the outside world. By self isolating, I could ensure that I was not unknowingly passing it to someone who may not be able to survive the disease. I was, however, stressed about my parents who statistically are more likely to have complications if they caught the virus due to their age. They live in a less dense area, though, so I thought maybe they would be safer. Unfortunately, I was wrong. When news came out of the first few confirmed cases in the area where my parents live, I wept uncontrollably.
Up to that point, I had tried my best to rationalize the news I was reading and follow guidelines to not spread the disease. The news was overwhelming, especially seeing the developments in Italy and seeing how the US was following the same trajectory. At the very least to help with my anxiety, I knew all I could do was control my life and my actions. I had filled my calendar with virtual calls with friends and family to curb loneliness during quarantine. I tried to stay active by going on jogs, while avoiding close contact with others outside. Fortunately, my company supports remote work so I was able to keep to my usual work routine and not be stressed about my finances. Even with the uncertainty of the pandemic, I felt I at least had my life in control and I understood what I had to do to protect myself.
The moment I saw the news for cases in my hometown, however, the sense of security I had been carefully cultivating for myself came crashing down. This situation is way beyond anything I can control. No matter how much I isolate, there will be people dying and suffering. I felt helpless being away from my parents, especially knowing my dad was deemed an essential worker. I felt hopeless watching our government fail us on so many levels, with the lack of transparency, preparedness, leadership, empathy, and many other traits that are necessary right now to help a world crippled by this disease.
That day, I wept because I have friends working as healthcare professionals without the proper PPE. I wept because my partner living in NYC told me his mom had been having dry coughs, fatigue, and shortness of breath. I wept because I could not do much more than pull together some community resources and donate money for hospitals to get PPE. I wept because I was constantly being reminded of my parents’ mortality. I wept because I was no longer in control of what could happen to my life and the loved ones around me.
Beyond the extreme helplessness and hopelessness I had felt in that moment and continue to feel in waves, however, I have felt even more intensely gratefulness and appreciation during these tough times. I feel grateful that my family has been healthy and safe and for feeling closer to loved ones through this time. I feel grateful for the empathy I have seen from so many people to help support each other and the community. I feel grateful for all the healthcare and essential workers risking their lives to keep the world functioning. I feel grateful that even with all these things out of my control, I can still find pockets of joy with my friends and family and the solidarity of the world fighting to gain back control from this disease. I feel grateful that one day I will be able to weep tears of joy when I can be reunited with my loved ones again and the world can begin healing together.