Waves by Vicki Chou

Thu, May 7, 2020

Read in 3 minutes

Philadelphia Hub, Pennsylvania, USA Originally from Harrisburg, PA

My dad is a man of very few words. So when he said he wasn’t feeling well, we all knew this was serious. The first things that crossed our mind was, could it possibly be COVID? How’s your breath? Do you think you have a fever? No, he replied, but I’m having trouble hearing clearly and I’m starting to go a bit numb. A few minutes after laying down and checking his blood pressure, he felt better and was smiling again. We relaxed. Maybe just some rest and he will be back to normal. It’s starting to come back again, he said, and it’s coming and going in waves.

We quickly decided taking him to the emergency room was the best course of action. My mom and I supported him to the car, and my mom drove us hurriedly to the closest hospital. When we got there I donned my mask and rushed to the front desk, explaining my dad’s symptoms and requesting assistance getting him inside. The nurses were quick to transport him in, and after signing some forms, we were told they have a 0 visitor policy right now and we could either wait in the car or go home and wait for their call for an update in half an hour. How sad and scary, I thought, especially for those with COVID to have to be completely isolated and alone without family in the hospital while they battle this deadly virus.

Now I’m sitting wondering how serious his condition can be. He seemed coherent enough and still had energy, so he’ll be fine right? But what if it’s something more serious? What if he caught the virus while working as an essential worker? Does this mean we all have it too? No, his symptoms don’t indicate that. He should be fine and he’ll come home once we get an update from the doctor soon.

My head is jumping to worst case scenarios. What if our last interaction was me being annoyed at him for criticizing the pizza I made him for being underdone since he took it out before it was browned, despite my protests to let it continue baking? What if I regret the fact that we haven’t really bonded beyond our wordless interactions playing soccer or constructing our deck together when I was in elementary school? What if we never reconcile our ways of loving, his traditional Chinese approach of showing love through financial support, dedicating time to drive me to and from school, and helping me move, instead of through the physical and emotional affection I want? No, no, no these thoughts are too bleak. He’s still pretty fit and healthy so he’ll be okay. My thoughts are coming in waves, too, full of optimism, then full of pessimism.

Waves can be exciting. A change to the norm can be exhilarating, adding some spice to life. But right now, the waves are crashing too hard all around and all for the wrong reasons. There’s too much to process with the pandemic and now my dad. My emotions are being tossed and thrown all over the place. As someone who enjoys surfing and paddling in all kinds of waters, I should feel comfortable with waves, but I’m feeling like we’re all on the brink of a shipwreck. At least on a board or in a boat we can try to save ourselves, but right now I feel all we can do is hope that we all reach calm waters soon.